As I begin this, I want to say, I have NOTHING half as bad as these people. In fact, I am barely an outsider. I want to offer another view. Some will read this and it will make them shout in anger, I know, because I was reading about the school shooting on this site, reading the crap the peers of the shooter were saying.. "This hurts so bad, I never expected it." Whatever. They don't know pain. My compassion has become limited to those who I sympathize with. I used to be often described as compassionate. Now, people are beginning to see streaks of my anger coming out.
This summer, I have just finished 8th grade. I go to a rich private school in South Carolina. If any of my peers read this, they will know it was me, but I'm willing to risk that. I actually go to this school by choice... I used to go to the public schools. Throughout elementary, I was only looked down upon *slightly* for being a little smarter than everyone else, but it certainly was not a problem. I loved elementary school. I had a fantastic one, and to this day I thank all those teachers. It is their words of "reach for the stars" that help me. Then I went to an all sixth grade school they have here. *THAT* is a stupid idea! We had 1200 sixth graders in one school. I was still slightly made fun of once again for being smart, as cliques began to develope. I was even on student council (as I had been in elementary school). But I couldn't stand the sixth grade school. I looked *on* as bullying happened. People cried, people were hurt, you were scared of lots of people. And I was still very young in my mind at this time. So when I learned my best friend was going to a private school, I thought this would be heaven. A place where people wanted to learn, wanted to excel. My parents were willing to do anything for me so that my education would be a success - my brother had dropped out of school around 10th grade, refusing to take drug tests. He has since regained his footing in life and at the age of 20 will be going to his second year of college soon. So, I was enrolled for 7th grade.
All went pretty well. There were actually a lot of new kids in this little world, with about 70 in our whole grade. Big difference from 1200. And I had a friend. People were nice to me. People still are. But there is one thing that I cannot comprehend - All of it, every last bit of it, is fake. These people are "phonies." (I profess the truth of "The Catcher In The Rye" - watch out for the phonies.) The guys who are jocks are even mean to each other, just pushing, shoving when they can. It's kinda odd, but they like it that way. Then they reject all the other guys. These guys are who I'm friends with. The "skater/punks," (even though its impossible to go to this school and be a punk. There are about three in the whole school, and they're well known, and well opposed) and the "intelligent rejects" as I kinda think.
Then there are the girls. They are all rich, they care only about clothes, only about make up, only about being the best slut they can. Their mothers have carefully taught them how to serve men - dress provacatively, always be ready to pour a beer, and always be ready for sex. Yes, this is the eighth grade. I am in the "middle group"... sort of. I dress like a prep, which I hate, but I do. I don't understand myself. I also wear make up. It is like a comfort zone, protection from being aimed at and fired at by the other girls. We have about three cliques, us girls. The top - the rich, clothes, make up, serve guys people. The middle - we care about our clothes and make up, but school and friendship is better, guys is just a stroke of luck if you find a nice one. The bottom - they do what they want. They dress how they want, or maybe they dress like everyone else and are just shunned. I have watched "the bottom" so many times, feeling so guilty. I want to do something, but I don't know how. I am nice to them, no doubt, but I don't know how to reach out to them or help them. Especially when that would involve me being "kicked out" of the middle group. I think however, that next year, that is something I HAVE to do if I *ever* want to live with myself.... for I have begun to see how bullying is.
I began dating a guy a few months ago who used to go to this school. He is "different" - a skater, and to them a goth, although he certainly isn't. (I'm not opposed to goths, just saying he doesn't happen to be one) He's just the closest thing they've seen. They are very sheltered. This guy went to the school until sixth grade. They remember him as liking magic a lot. Now they think he's just a full blown freak. Who *wouldn't* want to wear those "adorable" collared shirts and khakis all the jocks wear?? (their words, NOT MINE!.. sarcasm) Anyway, you get the idea. They don't like this guy. The guy has friends at the school, who I have since become friends with... the "skater/punks" I mentioned. Since I began dating him, I have heard, "He's such a freak, how can you go out with him?" or "How can you date a goth?". One girl even said, "You know, goths cut each other during sex. Don't ever have sex with him!" and the way she said it, she was playing around with me, giggling and the whatnot, as if I enjoyed the joke, but at the same time, her eyes were popping out of her head - she was serious. The rumor going around the girls was that I would "go all the way" with the guy. I have never really dated anyone else and wouldn't do that, they just wanted to say stuff. I found it mildly amusing actually, because I don't really care about them anymore. I used to. But I do have my friends, and my boyfriend, and I think I'm okay. I have not been tortured. I am worried though that I may be... especially once I begin high school. I don't want to be a slut, dont' want to go to the parties and ruin myself gettnig drunk and high. But I don't handle peer pressure well. I don't know what is going to happen to me. Now that I have felt the fringes of their hatred though, and completely put myself away from the popular group, they could make me a target. I'm an easy one I supposed being so smart.
What hurts most is watching them go at others. It's not so much that they outright say it. It's not as bad as these others schools. But sitting by yourself is painful. There is one girl who no one wants a piece of. One day I came in from recess a little early and found her crying. A guy had started the rumor that she was a lesbian with her only "chance of a friend". I hugged her, saying it was okay, and it wasn't true. I went to the source of the rumor immediately. (I knew the guy, so it wasn't too hard) He said he hadn't said that, and his words must have got twisted. I knew what happened. The girls were listening to him, they twisted his words maliciously, and began spreading. The saddest part, was later on I heard talking among my "middle group" that the girl acted like a lesbian. Alright, the point is, it doesn't matter if she's a lesbian. She's a human being. My school is definitely 99% homophobe except for a few like me. I hate that. I hate stereotypes. This girl was always sad. She and her friends always go to the counselor's office, which just makes it worse. It just makes everyone know that she's unhappy. I want to help her, I really do. She is not physically attractive... she wears something in her hair that everyone hates... people talk about her in disgust. My own friend started a campaign with a guy that he liked this girl. It was an insult to say that... It is all very sad.
I can't stand being in this environment. I am permanently enrolled for 9th grade. I will go. I can handle it if I just occupy my time. The thing is, I hate seeing all this. I *despise* the people in my grade. Actually, I *despise* the "way they act" (my parents say to hate no one... are these people really people?). My parents don't understand why I hate the people in my school. I can't explain to them. I have been to counseling before to deal with depression, but the counselor doesn't understand why I hate them. He says that how you feel about something is totally your own decision. I don't see him anymore.. don't see anyone. My religion is shaky, but it is a comfort to me. Online I have fuond a lot of comfort in others... and helping others. Sympathizing with people and telling them it's okay and supporting them online will make you feel better about things. My boyfriend is a great help because he's different and happy. If ANY of you want help, PLEASE talk to me. I will do anything to help you.
This school has made me hate society. Inside of me is an extreme hatred for ever aspect of society. I read about school shootings wanting to hug the shooter. Half as sympathy, half as a thank you... someone had the courage to show what so many go through.
I would also like to mention music. I am ostracized for the music I listen to. I am one of a few girls who listens to "my" music (rock, hard rock, emo, punk, etc) and the rest are in the "bottom group". People say things like "how can you listen to that depressing music? it's so unrealistic.... the bands act like its cool to kill themselves". In my head is, "No, they think it's cool to kill you." One day that might slip out. If these people had ever felt pain and sorrow they would understand this music. This music is a good release for me, knowing that people feel so disgusted with society like me. Perhaps others will find an odd comfort in it too.
I don't know what to say. I hate society. I hope I can find a way to be good to the people in my grade who need it. I hate society, I hate teenagers. I have gone through many stages of hating life. Right now, I don't care if I die, it just won't be by my hands. I have nothing to live for except my parents. They need a success. So I'll keep getting my A+s.
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