I never though i survie the pain that they caused me. It hurt so much when i felt it that i wanted to kill myself everyday,everynight. The only reason i'm living is because my best friends saved me along with a counceller that cared.
The pain started in elementry when i was extreamly bossy and hated sharing. I wouldn't share and would try and boss people around all the time. If i came to school with something new the kids around me get jelous because they knew they have to wait for a long time.
Maybe thats part of the reason i was picked on from second year of primary to grade six. It started out with one or two guys thinking it be cool to pick on the girl that failed primary. Bugging me once i failed primary started out small it be the comment here and there then a little laughing but it didn't bother me.
Then this one guy that was once was in my primary class became popular people started to follow him and copy him. They did what he did,they said what he siad and they picked on his victims.
When they found out about me and that he picked on me for failing they followed and did the same thing. It didn't bother me but it did get anoying after a while. Because when i had to go to resource they laugh at me remembering what that one guy said.
When i got a test back or some kind of report back that i put all my effort in and still failed they always asked me what i got..i tell them then they laugh and say is that the best you can do???
By the time grade two happened the teasing became worse cause i was raised to wear the same thing for a few days at a time to prevent a huge laundry load. People started to bug me about that and say i didn't have clean up cause i only had a bath once a week,sometimes 2 times since my mother cleaned me up.
The same teasing continued for the rest of grade two and went into grade three. It didn't change much from grade three but the name calling got a little worse and it still wasn't effecting me that much but i got so use to people asking my marks and laughing if they said my name and was looking at me i wouldn't give them a chance to ask if the teacher just passed out a test or report, i just say the mark.
By the time grade four came along i started crying. It was a major test and i failed it but this time a dark feeling over came me and i wanted to cry. When they asked my mark i told them holding in my tears. When i got home i cried for the first time and i felt the pain for the first time.
As the rest of the forth grade went on i cried more and more. I even became distant from my two best friends and my family. I wanted nothing to do with my family,i was embarrased to be seen with them because people at school would tease me about it and make comments like my family was the only people that ever respect me and they were the only people i had in life.
I felt like i would have no more friends besides my two best friends and if i was forced to go anywhere with my parents i hid in the backseat so no one could see me. But when people saw me i heard about it the next day.
In grade five i tried making a new friend and it backfired on me because the crowd that was picking on me chanced her in a second then she joined in the teasing. I also threted to my whole class comiting sucide they said in a serious way go ahead like they didn't care and they didn't.
I never did but there was something telling me to try and see how they react then. I never did lissen to that voise but sometimes i wish i did.
Grade six came along and i knew i was traped in a deep depression. it was that deep i was seriouly sucidal and wanted to die,I had nothing prepared. Lucky for me i didn't know any ways to kill yourself so i sufered with the pain. It also got to the point i faked sick everyday at resource so i couldn't go outside and everyone got mad because the teacher let me stay in school while they had stay outside.
Once the spring came around i had no choise but to go outside and put up with there shit. I hated it but i couldn't do anything about it since my parents didn't know what was going on and neather did my best friends.
But one afternoon i came home and did my usaul crying in my room my mother walked in on me. It took her a long time to get it out of me but after she found out what was wrong and what was going on she called the school imediatley complaing about what half the school was going and how much damage it caused me.
The school did nothing i came to school the next day.I went to the washroom,when i came back the class had smerks on there faces like they knew something.
I found out later on why they where smiling,the teacher had a talk with them abut bugging me and they knew what they were doing so they started bugging more than ever and got worse just so they could hear what they were doing to me.
What they did....put insulting jokes about me on the board and really started harrasing me about being around my family. My best friend now knew what was going on and always tried to spent a lot of time with me and prayed for me to get better so wouldn't hurt myself.
Grade six ended but i was miserable because i see the people around in the summer and they say something to me then. I wasn't even happy at my second home for three weeks and it was the same for the summer after grade four and five.
Grade seven started,the teasing stopped,but i was stuck in a deep deprssion from everything that was said and this time i had a knife in my room just in case i couldn't handle the pain. But i got help from a counceller that cared and started feeling better. When my health teacher started reading a story about an outcast the deep depression came back and i needed to see the counceller again.
What happened when in grade seven i see the faces with smiles of people laughing at me,i hear the laughing and see the jokes on the board. it was horable becasue it all felt so close like it was really happening but it wasn't.I also remebered the guy that started the teasing chassing me trying to beat me up and i remeber having to run all the way home so i wouldn't get beat up.
I did recover but it was so hard and at the end of the school year i wrote a page long note thanking the councller for saving my life. Even after that i was never the same i would have an emotional crisis every three-four months. BUt i also learned how to shut down all my major emotions.
In grade nine i realzied i bairly had any emotions. It felt good because i though i could protect myself from words if it started again. and it did work,nothing really bothered me but the teasing never started again eather but if i was critisied i never felt anything.
I started high school and i got my first boyfriend but i had some emotions moved around in the second week of the relationship witch made me depressed for about a week. i started getting better and we broke up shortyl after i went cold hearted again and i was even more cold hearted this time.
but the next year ai ended up with a another boyfriend and in two weeks going out with him i had two emotional crisis. I talked to my friend about it and realized bringing back my emotions was the only hope to prevent emotional crisis from happening so much.
When i first started four months ago,it hurt me so much but i learned to adjest and it seems to have paid off because i don't have them that much anymore only when my feelings grow a little bit stronger for him.
But even though it sounds like my life is so much better it isn't because i will always blame the people that bugged me in elememtry for what i have to go through to have a relationship without feeling pain, and i still have a lot of work to do with bringing back my emotions back and learning to control them. I also have to stop an old depression and sucidal side from coming back witch came close a couple times. And to this day when the old depression tried and comes back i think about my best friends and the people around me that would be hurt. All i know is my best friends saved me in grade seven and i know they can help me bring back old emotions.
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