A "hunted outsider". What a good description of what a lot of us went through. I'm a lot older now and much in my life has changed but I can still see the effects of what happened to me. Most of the abuse that I suffered was not physical. Although some of it was. Most was psychological. One leaves scars you can see the other is not so readily discernable. Not to say that one is worse than the other. They are both equally as bad.
For me the worst two years of my life were in junior high. Before that the abuse hadn't been that bad. Although I never did feel like I fit in. As soon as I got to junior high though it was all day, every day. I dreaded going to school each day. And when it was over, I made a b-line for home and the safety of solitude. When I was alone was the only time that I wasn't running on adrenaline.
I learned quickly that to fight back was only to make things worse. I became very adept at hiding. I would fade away and seek solitude when ever I got the chance. In the times when every one else was socializing I was trying to find a place where no one else would find me. I became very adept at hiding my emotions. Whenever they started in on me I just went blank. I figured at some point they would get bored and go away. It sort of worked and didn't at the same time.
I always got along with adults much better than with kids my own age. I've joked to people that I would have made a good field agent for the CIA I got so good at blending in and fading out. But of course no matter how good you are at that there are times when they catch up to you.
I don't quite know why they singled me out. I guess I never really fit into any of the little cliques. Of course my school work suffered. The only thing I wanted to do when I got home was to forget about the day and just go into my own world. The only place I felt safe. The only place where I had absolute control.
And don't even talk to me about girls and dating. Towards the end of sixth grade was when I became "interested" in girls. In junior high and high school the girls treated me worse than the guys did. Hormones can make life hell. And when you get no sympathy from any quarter it just makes it worse.
I'm quite sure that the health problems I had back then were directly related to the stress I was under then. I've gotten migraines since I was small and they only got worse in school. And since I've gotten older I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I'm now being successfully treated for it. But for most of my life I think that I have suffered from it without even realizing it. It took an extremely bad relationship to finally push me to go see a psychiatrist. It makes it hard when you think of suicide every day. I have to say though since I've been on anti-depressants I haven't thought about it since.
Just to show you that these kinds of abuse can leave lasting impressions that can affect the rest of your life. I can still become uncomfortable in certain situations. Situations that remind me of things that I went through. It never quite leaves you. But it does get easier to deal with. Talking about it helps a lot. It gets it outside of you. Takes some of the pressure off. So feel free to email me if you would like to know more of the story or if you just want a sympathetic ear. I'm a good listener.
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